All you have to do to take this test is read the jokes below. If you 'get
the joke' first time, award yourself one point. The higher your score, the
more Scottish you are.
1. A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
'From my knickers tae ma feet.. '
2. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.
3. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their
4. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for
the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
5. Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and
He's awa' noo.
6. After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal
he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'
7. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
8. Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.
9. Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister
from a telephone box, so he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
10. While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her
husband: 'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
11.What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
12. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its
A skean dhu.
13. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
14. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains
there is a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant,
'look at the label – it says Taiwan .'
15.What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an
Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get offa my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get offa ma ewe.'
16. What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.
17. Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for
the toilets at Waverley Station? It's called The Aw'Needin' Line.
18.A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street .
When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
'Aye, same as masel...
19. Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Low Ping.
20. While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.