Just Like that !

TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message..........If you
want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are too high.

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!". The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank. Proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it".

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual".

13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well", says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What, because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside". "How's
that?" "Don't you start".

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, Or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round". The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".

Queenstown New Zealand

This is a wee pic of the kids last year in Queenstown New Zealand. We had the best holiday there. Great produce too and lots of lovely Paua Shell for me lol. Kids had an awesome time there too
check out these links

http://www.queenstown-nz.co.nz/information/Activities/

http://www.puzzlingworld.co.nz/maze.html

http://www.shotoverjet.com/

http://www.shantytown.co.nz/ was the kids favourite, for they got to pan for gold.We had to stake a claim and dug for over an hour but to no avail, but the lovely guy at "Shanty Town" told them where to pan and they found a few more specks, it was so cold to have our hands in water for so long but it was the highlight of the trip for the kids. J highlight was going for the dark water raftng (in caves- no thank you) and mine was enjoying all the peace and quiet. I took over 800 photos in 8 days. LOL so I had fun too. Would recomment NZ to anyone for a great action packed or just a peaceful holiday.

Nature at it's best

For my beautiful neice who is butterfly crazy.
Love you sweetheart.xx

Butterfly
Flutter by,
Butterfly,
Floating flower in the sky.
Kiss me with your
Petal wings---
Whisper secrets,
Tell of spring.

Author Unknown

I'll Be back

All the more reason to have your cake and eat it lol.
Poor Arnie not looking his best in the second photo but lets be fair he is a fair age now. J just loves him, he started J off on the search for the perfect body (but he found mine lol. Oh well, where is the chocolate lol.). I have to thank Arnie for such a hunky hubby, and J of course for all his hard work too

What do you see in the mirror?

I love this poem, one of the many that J has shared with me over our years together. it is called....

"The man in the mirror"

When you get what you want in your struggle for self,

And the world makes you long for a day,

Just go to the mirror and look at yourself,

And see what THAT man has to say.

For if it is not your father or mother or wife

Whose judgment upon you must pass.

The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life

Is the one staring back in the glass.

Some people might think you are a straight shootin' chum

and call you a wonderful guy,

But the man in the glass says you're only a bum,

If you can't look him straight in the eye.

He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,

For he's with you dear up to the end.

And you have passed your most dangerous, difficult test

If the guy in the glass is your friend

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years,

and get pats on the back as you pass.

But your final reward will be heartaches and tears

If you have cheated the man in the glass.

Peter "Dale" Wimbrow Sr.

Hair raising

This week has been very busy for me, hence the lack of posts in The Funny Bone. Have been doing a bit of this and that and feel like I have accomplished very little. Need to get back into gear. Usually I am very productive in my day but this week hmmm it is the school holidays lol. Got broadband hooked up today only to discover that the back of our pc has no connection point for the (here is where it gets technical) blue cord that goes in the thingy bobber. That is getting done on Friday lol. So am still going slowly though blogger with dial up but will get there soon. On a brighter note next week has to be better lol.

Miss Ashley Sha Sha

This is our beautiful eldest child Ashley.
Ashley has been a continual joy in my life.
A friend as well as a daughter.
She is 11 going on 17, very mature for her age, loves fun and has been told she has the same laugh as me.To which she is very proud.
I love you Ashley.
A is for Abundant joy love hope faith
S is for sincerity and softness of heart
H is for herself (honestly herself)
L is for loving
E is for eager energetic and exceptional
Y is for youthful

You are my beautiful young woman that continues to impress me.

Not a human being but a human becoming!

Viagra Mouse

Older man and his wife are about to have sex, while his wife is primping herself in the bathroom he runs down stairs to get his viagra, in his haste he accidentally drops a pill on the kitchen floor when all of a sudden a wee mouse runs out and eats it. The man feels bad as he swallows his pill with some water thinking to himself that'll probably kill the poor wee mouse.
But as he puts his glass down he saw that same mouse standing on it's two back legs beating it's chest.. yelling..... Where's the pussy now ".
Couldn't resist guys lol

Delayed Gratification.

Hi to all our online friends.
Today my sis (Horizon) and I were talking of how much we enjoy hearing from all our new online friends. Let it be known that we cherish your efforts to keep popping in and leaving comments for us. I remember in the beginning of blogging how disheartening it was to come into my blog only to find comments 0 at the bottom of my post, especially after trying to rack my brains for something good to post lol or should I say ROLF. I need to get braodband for it takes an age to get into and return all the comments received but we are getting it soon. Such is the life of a rural aussie lol. But to finish... thank you to all our new found friends TC and GB .
Jonahs mummy

Splish Splash

Can you tell he just loves his bath.
He can go from grumpy to happy as could be in just a couple of seconds. Loves to swim, anything to do with water.
His name is Jonah and he is 18 months old

Road closures

Wish I was a photographer, love to take photos and some have even been really good. I bet the people in the red car need to change their undies lol.
Love this photo and the only thing I could think of was " is Road runner OK". hmeep hmeep

Whale of a time.

This is a picture of my little boy and I in New Zealand 2005. We went for our first family holiday in 7 years to the south island and loved it. Travelling around in a Maui 6 berth van with three kids.

Sounds like hell but we had an awesome time together. Now there is a bit of a clue to our sons name in this picture so see if you can guess it.

Garden in full bloom

Now who would ever have thought of doing this one. Love the originality huh. You got to laugh.
Not as pretty as most of the gardening pictures in Horizons but funny. Tickled my sense of humour but think they have a wee bit too much time on their hands lol.

Breastfeeding in Public

Got this pic in an email months ago and was lucky enough to find it online today. Went today to Kmart to pick up our suitcases for our up coming trip to the UK.

72 days to go now.

But standing at the checkout my wee boy started to shout "Boo Boo"ma ma boo boo nigh nigh which to me means mum could you please take five minutes out of your busy schedule to let me have a fresh warm drink of milk. And maybe a cuddle and nap. lol well he can be pretty loud and needless to say I asked him to wait till the car, by which time he had forgotten about it.

Isn't it funny though how when your pregnant you get used to people looking at you but after you seem to grow your pride back.

I am very pro breast feeding.It has given me some of the nicest times with all three of my children and some of the sorest too. Love the simple joke in this pic but just the norm for the baby too.

Innocence

( did I spell that right ) lol

Tag your it...

Seven things to do before I die:
1. Write a book.
2.See my kids settle and be happy.
3.Travel more
4. Live in as many countries as possible
5.Act on Tv or film
6. Buy an Island
7.Say sorry to anyone I have ever hurt.

Seven things I cannot do
1.Pee standing up (too much sprinkle).
2.Skateboard
3.Drink Alcohol (still breastfeeding).
4.Dance
5.walk a tight rope.
6.Lick my elbow
7.kiss butt!

Seven things that attract me to my hubby
1.His Soul
2.His mind (very intelligent)
3.His strength.
4.His big brown eyes.
5.His love
6.His laugh
7.His heart

Seven books I love
1.Awaken the Giant within by Anthony Robbins
2.You can do it by Paul Hanna
3.Think and grow rich by Napoleon Hill.
4.Rich dad poor dad by Robert Kyosaki
5.The greatest Salesman in the world by Og Mandino
6.Family first by Dr Phil McGraw
7.My dream journal

Seven movies Id like to watch over and over again
1.Sound of Music
2.Pillow Talk (Doris Day)
3.The power of one
4.Just like Heaven
5.28 days
6.While you were sleeping
7.Sweet Home Alabama

Seven people I'd like to tag
1.Oprah
2.Og Mandino
3.Lady Diana
4.Thomas Eddison
5.Donald Trump
6.Henry Ford
7.Dr Phill

There was a wee woman

There was a wee woman

who lived in a shoe

she had five gorgeous boys

so everything was blue.

I thought I'd marry one of them

but it did not get done

but I will always think of her,

as my even "shorter" mum.

I coming home to see her

I am as excited as a frog

but I am going to kill her

for I share a name with her ..DOG !

But when I come home

I will look like a ghost

Tell Matt to boil the eggs

cause I've already made the toast.

Hi Aunty B, am looking forward to seeing you, uncle M and the boys.

75 days to go not that I'm counting.

love you xx S

The Lighthouse.

I have a lighthouse that guides me. It has taken me many years to get to this lighthouse but now that I have found it , I feel I will never loose the warmth of it's light to guide me. Not to have twenty different opinions of how to handle the storm waves but just to be there to guide me to it's safety and warmth. I love my lighthouse. My big sister RR. She has more strength in her than she tends to realise and enough warmth to kindle all the fires of the world. We have travelled very similar roads in our life and respect each others "shoes". I can be myself and she will always love me. She can understand me without me even having to speak. I am travelling to visit her in August and am longing to feel her warming light on my face. My life has changed enormously since I left Scotland, so much so that I feel like a stranger to it. I can hear my weird sence of humour comng in saying the line from Poltergiest (hope I have spelt that right lol) "walk towards the light " lol. Turn on the big bulb honey.

Water Restrictions !

What is happening to this world.
No water, what the... as Rove would say.
When will we get some rain here in South East Queensland. Our dams are nearly dry, houses are starting to crack because of the land movement due to the dryness of the soil. Feel very sorry for our farmers,first hurricane Larry now this lack of rain. Hope we get some soon. Never thought I would miss the wet but we need some. Thankfully we have our own water, under Mt Mackenzie ( our home is right on the tip of it) we have two rivers that cross literally under our house. So we have a bore. 2000 ltr per hour. But need the rain for the people less fortunate and for those who depend on it to ear money for their families. Maybe I need to get intouch with the cloud appreciation clan and get them to send some our way lol.

Baby Boomers

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but weweren't overweight because
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

Road Rage

How Many times have you said this....

Do you want one

Let me know if you're interested...

Hi Girls

A friend of the family is selling throw overs.

You know the thingy that you put over your bed.

I've only got this sample (as attached).

They are $69.95 each. I know it sounds a tad expensive, but she assures me that they are exceptional quality & look gorgeous on the bed.

Have a look, and let me know if you are interested.

Stocks are limited but you can pay end of the month.I've ordered a couple, they're really nice.

Nice Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:

"PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT."

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:

"BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS."

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

"NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN."

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the Paper read:

"NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10."

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

"NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE."
The bishop was buried the next day....

Morale of the story is .....

being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery ...

and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life ......

you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

I shot a Bunny...

Practicing my Scottish accent again lol

" TAE A FERT "

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,

Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie.

Just as ye sit doon among yer kin,

There sterts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas,

Stert workin like a gentle breeze.

But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face,

Will have ye blawin all ower the place.

Nae matter whit ye try tae dae,

A bodys gonnae have tae pay.

Even if ye try to stifle,

It s like a bullet oot a rifle.

Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair,

Tae try and stop the leakin air.

Shift yersel frae cheek tae cheek,

Pray tae God it doesny reek.

But aw yer efforts go assunder,

Oot it comes - a clap o thunder.

Ricochets aroon the room,

Michty me, a sonic boom!

God almighty it fairly reeks,

Hope I huvnae pooed ma breeks!

Tae the loo I better scurry,

Aw who cares, its no ma worry.

A body roon aboot me chokin,

Wan or two are nearly bokin.
I' ll feel better for a while,

Cannae help but raise a smile.

" Wis him! I shout with accusin glower,

Alas too late, he' s just keeled ower!

" Ye dirty thing! " they shout and stare,

I don' t feel welcome any mair.

Where ere ye go let yer wind gang free,

Sounds like just the job fur me.

Whit a fuss at Rabbie's perty,

Ower the sake o wan wee ferty!!!

Bird Flu

Warning to women!
Looking at this blog may lower your IQ.
As for the men it's too late.
Thats for all the blonde bashing men out there lol.


Doesn't look as bad as they make it out huh.
Just kidding. But this is funny you have to admit it , even all you serious pants out there scowling at me just now. Now back to swimming upstream.